2009

I may have to live with some new experiences in 2009. No, I am not going to (thankfully, cause I think it has already overdone with) talk about the Mumbai attacks (not unless I actually plan to do something), or talk about resolutions or list of places I intend to travel in this year. I am going to write about somethings, that on the face of it looks small, but sinks down and these are the things that come back when you lie down on the bed, in someone’s arms or alone and well… think about them (what else can one do I suppose?)

Y doesn’t like X – We talk about female intuitions, so powerful and sometimes so accurate. What I have realized is we are all humans after a point, our gender doesn’t differentiate us. When it comes to a relationship, if you love someone deep enough, you instantly gauge if something is different. Maybe he feels it? My female intuition says so. Why is it that he always frowns when X messages, or doesn’t like the funny anecdotes or jokes I read out from X’s messages? I think male intuition works as well.

X found out my blog – yes he has, yes he read everything, yes it is my stupidity (I mailed him a post… forgetting the existence of Google) and yes he likes it (well I would too if someone wrote a book on me!). What do I do? Well, it ranges from being embarrassed that well, whatever you think or fabricate (now I shall have to insist on some parts being “fabricated” isn’t it?) is on display to the person you never wanted to show it to (other being Y) to cool nonchalance and actually asking “How you find it? ofcourse it is not you, just a little inspiration you see …” (My pride always rescues me, who says pride goes before a fall?)

Object of my affection – this has been the most weird experience of my life. X called one morning to say he has had the most devastating experience of his life. My genetics command that my thinking process goes from worst to better, now ‘devastating’ can’t be good so my thoughts ranged from what if he lost his job to what if he has been diagnosed with AIDS? (Now that really freaked me out). What I got to know later that his ‘love’ of his life got married and didn’t tell him. I also happen to know that the ‘love’ apparently had a breakup three years back but X being X still pinning for her felt his world has ended. I felt his pain, but I draw a line on being the sounding board or a shoulder to cry on from my object of affection for someone else! I am sorry X, I know you will read it and you won’t like it, but you won’t say it. (But then it is my blog, my thoughts, you discovered it and well…live with it). An aftereffect that he may be missing in all his mess is it has somehow made him more approachable, more demonstrative and I can say more human. I think the whole world revolves around hope. More than money, love, power it is the hope of getting the love, money and power that keeps us kicking and when that goes away, survival kicks in. Maybe same is happening with X, he says hope is gone, so what does one do when hope itself is gone? He reaches out to whatever he can cling to… shreds of comfort, people and maybe past memories until hope comes back (and it does). So while he struggles and clings, I just pray it happens sooner than later. As for me, I wonder, does he love her or the memory of her?

I don’t know how will 2010 be when I ponder on these points… will they be there still? Or will I choose to drift away? I know if I was X or for that matter Y, I would have stored myself in a box, placed it in a remote corner of the heart and would have thrown away the key…