when will I know that I know?

B and I jostled through the crowd at the Esplanade station on Saturday and made our way walking through the pavement towards new market. She had come for a holiday last week and was going today. We had to collect bandle cheese and a tea pot for us before meeting one of her friends – A for lunch. Newmarket in Calcutta (I still like Calcutta much more than Kolkata or Kolkatta) is also one of the few places where you get bandle cheese – a dried smoky flavoured cheese in a shape of ball that need to be immersed in water ten hours prior to eating. It tastes really good though.

The sun and humidity touching 90% was driving me crazy. I could feel a steady trickle of sweat running like a canal from my neck to my back.

“I think if it doesn’t rain today, I will die”, I exclaimed, wiping my dripping forehead with the back of my hand. “Oh! Why doesn’t it rain?”

“Don’t worry. You can sit under the AC once we reach Marco Polo (that’s where we were supposed to meet her friend A for lunch).”

Two hours later, we entered Marco Polo, wet with sweat and almost faint in the heat. A was sitting there at the reserved table. I ignored a twinge of disappointment. I was kind of hoping to meet a handsome, dashing guy who would provide me with ‘eye tonic’ after such a ‘hot-as –hell’ shopping trip! He was more of a next door uncle type that too with a moustache! There went my hopes of a flirty afternoon.

From what I had learned from the background was that A was like a ‘chaddi-buddy’ (can be read as very close friend) of B’s ex and he went on and on about him, oblivious to B’s discomfort. I guess from his talks I could make out that he still thought she was ‘the one’ for his friend. That made me wonder – how do know you know? ‘The one’ that is? If you would have asked me 8-9 years ago, I would have said you know because it’s like a lightening and thunder strike. You just know. I would have also said it was the result of reading soppy romance novels on the sly. But is their really lightening? Or is it more like the rain? You feel it gradually and when it comes, you may or may not be prepared. You may even take the pain of opening your umbrella and avoiding it altogether. And what if you even recognize it, and even get together - will it bring happiness? Or a new set of problems altogether?

When you have a serious crush on someone, you automatically think getting him will solve your problems. Just his kiss on lips on yours or his hug after a long day or waking up beside him makes you forget everything and seems like the solution to the big bad lonely world outside. Who would think that after a while this may not seem enough? The insecurity will creep in, the emotional roller coaster ride will make you go up with giddy pleasure and love and equally low with an inky blue blob of depression. And then when you would want him to take you in his arms and profess maybe undying love and for some marriage, babies- the whole jing bang – its time to give it a second thought baby.

Thinking all this while playing with the rice on my plate, watching B clearly squirm, not wanting to remember her ex, I thought when will I know that I know? Sighing I looked outside the window. It had started raining.