The Perils of too much (choice)

“I just can’t seem to find the right man for me”, moaned my sister. This was one of her finding ‘Mr. Right’ phases and she was hell-bent on finding a good husband by the year end.

“I liked V but he turned out to be psychotic, D is extremely sweet but a total loser, A makes my hormones go haywire but can’t seem to decide even one single thing and I feel no fizz when I kiss D.  He practically acts like a monk. Why does it have to happen to just me”, she continued, glumly looking into her cup of coffee, maybe for an answer.

“D is not a soda to give you fizz and for all you know D's err... quipment is faulty”. I smirked at my own PJ. I didn’t want to burst her bubble that Mr. Right doesn’t exist. It has always been Mr. Right at that moment of time. “Why don’t you try dating all four of them together?”

“Very funny! You never give me sound advice. I always feel as if I am the elder sister! Maybe I will just go abroad and get a guy there! How come you never have men problems in your life?”

“They are not so important. I am just having a good time with them,” I replied faking a nonchalance. 

“What! Really?” She almost spilled her coffee. “Wait till I tell Ma and Y. I never knew you thought like that!”

Are all younger sisters such pests?

P.S. For all those who wondered if I was gone for good... well I guess life is (ahem!) interesting enough to write about again!

Deflower? anyone?

Dave Letterman (don’t ask me who he was, but someone very farsighted I suppose. You can always google him) once said,” Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.” I beg to disagree. They are the only ones who have it on the internet as well. Now before all your twisted thoughts get active, this doesn’t have to do with naughty websites or actions but has to do with naughty words…

I was sitting at D’s place, with a fruit juice in hand (I am trying to stay away from alcohol, end up confessing my ‘ever’ dying love to X in drunken state). She was on her laptop typing furiously and the ‘katkatkatak’ of keyboard was almost giving me a headache.

“What are you working on?”
“Oh nothing… just like that…talking to an old friend”
“Hmmm…”

I picked up my copy of M&B. It was eight years after I picked up a M&B at the airport (Mills & Boons for all deprived romantics) and thought maybe I should read to see how they are writing nowadays, whether it is the same younger trembling women and macho, tall dark, sexy hunks (who also happen to be millionaires and great kissers). How come real life is so different? I mean the one who is handsome doesn’t have money, the who has money has mistresses and the one who has both is gay. Life is unfair tell you. I found the same soppy romantic stuff page after page. I guess some things never change or may be we don’t want them to. M&B kept my romantic fantasies going when I was a high school kid and I am sure by the way it sells, they are still doing a good job at it.

“I am just so disgusted, it is just hormones, and no one actually loves someone like forever!” D said declaring in mid air and almost throwing her laptop aside. That jerked me from my steamy kiss and most probably err… the bedroom scene and I looked at her from my glasses (I had a meeting in Mumbai and had flown down. Glasses always add an extra touch. X was busy and I had an evening free. D was also free, for a change she had no date, so I went down to her place to enjoy her big fluffy bed and to sleep in with the AC blasted at artic temperatures, and you value AC when you live in a city like Mumbai. Callous but true. Besides there is something so snuggly to sleep in a chilly room under soft warm blanket.)
“What happened?” I asked.
“These men, they just want one thing all the time”
“Food?”
“Duh!!! Sex”
“Ah. And what brings it on?”
“Hold on, I need to check on our microwave pasta, I smell something burning”

I took the opportunity to snatch the laptop and check my mail. Her G talk was still open and she was having err… what can only be called cyber sex with some bloke is US! I like a good girl closed that window, and like a bad girl couldn’t help noticing words “deflower”, “womanhood” and “manhood”. It was funnier to me than eeeeky. I thought those words had gone away with the M&B novels I read 8-10 years back. Does anyone use “deflower” nowadays or for that matter know its meaning? (Incase you don’t know, you know where to go – Google). I also noticed how D connected more on an emotionally level. Even for a verbal and may be a casual encounter the words focused around “hugs”, “kisses”, “feelings” and the man, the US dude, was pretty graphic. What is even more interesting is how men and women connect even on the internet. For all those long distance lovers, there is no other way to make out, but even in words, women focus more on emotions where men are more on – what else but as they had put it “manhood”! (And you thought I was going say food). I wonder which gene mutation made us so fundamentally different. I guess, I can say at some level it is true that sex is equally between the ears as between the legs for a woman. But till it sinks in with the majority of the opposite side, I guess there will be more “Hail womanhood, my manhood beckons!” to be heard, errr… read about.

Aapka bhavishya kya kehta hai? (what's does your future say?)

Some days are happy days … as in everything atleast starts right. You have sex in the morning when you are half sleeping and your other half- bf/husband/whoever is really turned on (wonder what makes them so ‘all for it’ in the morning – bad breaths or the pony tail turned horse’s tail?) and does all the moves on you while you just lie back and enjoy the experience. On reaching office you discover that the boss is on leave and client is in a day long workshop so you can read all those gossip columns and daily astrological predictions- ‘Aapka bhavishya kya kehta hai’ (“Just for fun” you say incase someone catches you reading whether green is luckier than blue for you today).

My day started the opposite way … fought with Y the night before on his super bloated ego (even that’s an understatement I think!), had to deliberately face the wall on the opposite side and sleep (now every girl has her pride and rather kill than thinking of snuggling in the same blanket). Woke up and realized that forgot to remove the kajal, mascara that I had put for the party last night and now had raccoon eyes. I was looking so bad that even if I would have stood, naked, infront of a man eating tiger, he would have refused to eat me up. Was just getting into the train, when cell phone pinged- message from X... was asking me how the War of Roses is going on. Ok, I agree I shouldn’t have dished out the details of my less than perfect ‘other’ relationship to him, but I did… and now I think he enjoys the perverse pleasure of knowing that my road to pleasure has rocks, no boulders on the way. I replied something inconsequential like we are just fine and have not killed each other yet. He, ofcourse, insisted on details. I do have to admit that I like this thing of having platonic relationship with X. We do everything – go out, take nice long evening walks, spend hours discussing everything under the sun, hell, I even dress up for these dates- but we don’t touch. That’s an unsaid No No as we both are trying desperately to squash the lust worm. Sometimes I even think why doesn’t he just go ahead, get a girlfriend and get laid. Maybe that will end it all, I will be too pissed to go out with him (I was always selfish) and that will break the circle.

I reached office earlier than usual and found no one had come in yet. There is something refreshingly exciting in entering an empty office and being the first one to sign the register. I ignored the Economic Times and settled down with a page 3 section. Invariably moved on to checking my horoscope. Not that I believe in them… just for fun you see. Maybe it comes subconsciously from the fact that Ma used to read our fortunes for fun every Sunday from The Sunday Indian Express in the afternoons. (Even now I have this sneaky doubt that she buys Bejan Daruwala’s annual forecasts. Though she never follows them, maybe it is just harmless fun). It did lead to, me, becoming addicted to reading The Sunday Indian Express and even now, when I am in an industry where I read on an average ten papers a day, it is my favourite paper on a Sunday.

Even the horoscope was not with me that day and predicted something that I always knew… my life sucked and will suck if I ‘don’t brace the changes and karmic obligations for a fuller life’. Like what? Run away and settle in Kenya? That’s just geography. Just then super bitch client called and blasted me for using ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ in one of her releases. Inside, I was dying of mortification, how could I do that? This is the mistake even my 5 years old nephew won’t do. I replied, in my best professionally voice I could manage, that it was a silly mistake and will rectify it. Apparently super bitch client was also PMSing and went ahead to say that she is unhappy with the release (without mentioning why) and I have to redo it. Sigh! I wish I could kill her with the phone cord at that moment. I am sure she won’t die even then, she is made of sterner stuff than that and even if she does, she will haunt me the rest of her life.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, called D and told her I am coming over. The day ended with me sitting on fluffy cushions of D’s sofa while she looked dreamily at the ceiling smoking a cigarette and exhaling smoke rings that fascinates me no end. We were already down half bottle of vodka (although I usually add lots of fruit juice and lime to ease my guilty conscious that I am halfway to a drunken euphoria). D shifted her gaze and looked at me in the eyes and said,” So, what is eating you up?” I didn’t have any answers. I guess I am in a limbo. I think all that have is more than enough, and it is in a way, but then what else am I waiting for? Why sometimes the niggling emptiness inside when I lie on my bed night after night? “What difference does it make? I want to enjoy one day at a time”, I said after sometime. She replied with her usual “Hmmm…”

Two hours later (or so I think it was… next morning details were fuzzy) we were rolling on the floor, clutching our stomachs, helpless with laughter watching the silent movie and totally drunk. I never felt better and I was laughing so much that my eyes watered and stomach ached. I thought nothing could burst my bubble and then the cell phone pinged again. It was X (or was it Y? can’t remember, but gauging the reaction from both of them next morning, definitely X. He sounded as cold as Antarctica) asking whether the war was still going on? I typed fuck you in caps and hit send. Later realized it went as duck you. Thought will call him and clarify but then thought its ok… after all duck is also 75% obscene.

Safety Net

It was a Sunday afternoon and I was doing what I do best- reading newspapers. One of the side effects of working in public relations industry- can’t function without reading newspapers now. All newspapers had carried a report that day which calculated that if you take an average, a woman has been raped in every half hour in India since 1977. Shocking statistic. It also disturbed me more since I too belong to the same category – of being a woman.

Molestation, rape, murder, harassment – a paper won’t be complete without any news related to these or better, if a news on each, but that’s different story altogether. What bothered me most was if these numbers were true, we, as women, are indeed in much more trouble than we think. Why is this happening? Who is responsible for this? I can almost visualize all my female friends and colleagues blaming all the psychos, perverts, and men who think they are god’s gift to women. Are all men wolves and monsters? I don’t think so. There are enough nice men out there to support my statement (some of them we wish would do something without asking us first!).Blaming just men may not be an accurate answer. Convenient maybe, but a half truth still. Being completely honest to myself, I think somewhere along the line we as women have faltered too.

Imagine, one day when you wake up and find your husband/ brother/father doing the housework that usually you do or see your mothers do. What will you first think? (‘Wow!’ may come second or third on the list). Most common will be wondering to oneself “Is everything all right?” Some of you may even feel uncomfortable with the whole scenario. Doesn’t suit the conventional image right? There are some women who have families that divide the responsibilities equally, but then we are not talking about those. They are few and far between. Most of us have been bought up in a way where our fathers, brothers, chachas and alike have taken care of things unpleasant and unsafe. Being brought up in a smaller town I remember, for all late night parties (mostly birthday parties of friends. Discos and pubs are still unheard of and visited by girls who are ‘loose’ in character. Even the definition of ‘late night’ differs – nine or ten at night were considered extremely late for visiting anyone), we were dropped and picked up by papa or bhaiya. Sometimes little sister would also beg to accompany and mummy would (horror of horrors) comply and send her along… (better two than one … “you will be coming by 9:30 beta”). Ofcourse this sounds funny when one is living in Mumbai but 90% percent of India is still suffering this. We never protested, or rather were not given a chance to object. Never even thought there is anything wrong in this. They are just taking care of us aren’t they? How many of you women out there, even the self proclaimed ‘modern’ ones think that they can manage any situation by themselves? Hardly few. When we ourselves are not confident with our capabilities of self help, why blame others for taking advantage of it?

Let me give you a clearer example… two weeks back when I was traveling from home to office in a local train, a drunkard got in at one of the stations. Now local trains in Mumbai have demarcated compartments for convenience of passengers – men and women have separate compartments and men are not allowed to travel in the women compartments and most women follow the rule vice versa. Now I was travelling in a ladies first class compartment with around 30 more fellow passengers. The drunkard’s unwelcome arrival was greeted with horrified expressions and exchanged glances. Some women moved away from him. But that’s all. No one came forward and told him to go get lost. Finally three women came forward and shooed him off the train. What gave the drunkard so much courage to get on a compartment full of women? If all 30 of them would have come forward, I am sure he would have the guts to enter. Why do we expect some policeman or some male passenger in the adjoining compartment to bail us out in situations like these? Aren’t we strong enough? If a man has ever eve-teased you, have you ever gone back and shouted at him? If you have, then you know he would have most probably been shocked and then scared by your bold reaction. By not reacting, aren’t we passively encouraging people to take advantage of us? We are our self help, our own safety net and as Kiran Bedi puts it “Self Police”. I am not making excuses for male vile behaviour but at the same time, if we are self victimizing, we have no right to call them the offenders.

There is no place safe enough, no relationship secure enough and no attacker strong enough. We are own help. The day we start believing no one can touch us, no one will.

Men's Top 5

“You always write something negative about men!”
“Well, as they say, I am free of all prejudice, I hate everyone equally,” came the cheeky reply.
“Do you, really?”
“Hmmm… I don’t know. Actually, no, but finding something really nice to write about them is difficult. I will try. I am not a feminist but then I am not conventional either, so that leaves me plenty of grey area to exercise on.”
“Come on! You are not being fair. There is plenty to admire them for.”
“The world is never fair and you are a man, so naturally, you will defend your case.”
“Tell me... you will prove it yourself… just tell me five things you like or admire in men”
“That’s too much to ask! Five things! Here I am struggling to think even one. But, yes let me think. It will be fun!”
“So?”
“Hmmm… Ok here it is (although with the disclaimer that even if what I write is true, no man will ever admit it, except for exceptions but that will make them exceptions to my theory as well). The 5 things I admire in men that I may never be able to do.”

1. Vanity Fair

Isn’t it amazing that when men pursue women, their bosses, their friends coming from abroad… they go all out? No woman will even think of spending a fortune on a man taking him to all the expensive wining dining experience and showering him with gifts (even though this is a highly temporary phenomena), just to make herself look good in his eyes. Na, she is too practical (and wise) for that.

2. Moral Obligations

All men have good intentions. Especially, if it is towards the woman they love and want to marry (not necessarily in that order). They know what is good for them and for her. There goodwill will spill over to all areas in her life… friends, relatives, what to wear (even more important, what not to wear), books, career, friends, relatives… oh I just realized that I am repeating myself… it can get very boring. Now you can’t accuse them of forgetting to ask what you think is good for yourself right? Afterall, that’s something a benevolent dictator will never do.

3. How flexible and easy to change they are

Now ladies, before you start shouting in protests, let me explain things a little. You see, there is a very big clause attached to it. The condition should be suitable and that includes unlimited supple of … err… alcohol. Your shrek will turn into a prince charming and will hang on to your words and even shower you with love and attention post the chemical reactions taking place with just barley water (aka beer). Maybe, Matt Groening knew what he was saying when he wrote, “To alcohol! The cause of, and the solution to, all problems of life”.

4. Respect your parents always

Sigh! His mom always did everything better. I wish I had the same devotion. Really!!


5. Optimum utilization

When you have to study how to use a resource optimally, there is no better example than the way men use their memory. We sometimes crib of their ‘selective amnesia’ but tell me which woman, if she wanted to, can forget dates (especially if it’s a birthday, an anniversary, the day you have to meet the parents, grocery shopping, well… it can go on and on). It’s absolutely fascinating to see how men can pull this off so well without any side effects (lets say … guilt?). It will take me years to master this and I can still not guarantee success.

“So what do you think?”
“ACs and women, never have been able to understand them!”

I Do or Do I?

Wanted: Male, age no bar, but prefer someone who still has hair left on the head, good looking but not vain, no attitude and definitely no chauvinistic tendencies, believes in equalities but chivalrous too, well read and fun loving, not short, well read and a good cook.

Well… this was the list I came up with when my mother asked me what kind of a husband I would want. I agree I am not Aishwarya Rai… quite the opposite infact, but since I was given a choice to say what I wanted in a prospective groom, I made the best possible use of the opportunity.

My mother frowned deeply and expressed her disapproval deeply at the lack of inquiry of whether the groom should be “well settled”, “fair and handsome”, “decent” and most important a “Hindu”. I guess she knew exactly what I was trying to do… discouraging her from broaching the topic of marriage.

When you are an Indian woman and you turn 24, everything around you changes. It starts with your mum meeting your aunties over a casual cup of tea and they innocently enquire “Aap ki beti Mumbai mein hain na? Aur achchi naukri bhi karti hain. Hamaari nazar mein ek ladka hain….”

Next thing you know your mum and dad decide to take out your janam patri (horoscope) from somewhere down below the old trunk and start pondering over it that the daughter has attained the right age … err… “jawan ho gayi hain” and it’s the right time to start searching for a prospective groom.

I screamed in horror when these thoughts were conveyed in a sugar coated voice from my mom and an authoritarian voice from my dad (atleast he was trying his best to sound strict, he knows by now that I have followed his gene pool and hence, will do exactly what I please). But that set me thinking… if they are so adamant on it why not meet a couple of guys and find out? It can’t be that bad and it will keep my folks satisfied.

I met four men in the span of one month and the experiences can themselves be one long story. One of the men seemed more comfortable talking to me on the net than face to face… something related to being used to software professional (!). The other thought why I was telling him that I like reading Saki, when it is a Japanese wine. The third was as boring as it gets (and I guess it was mutual). Infront of the fourth one, well… I farted…

To sum it up if adventures of seeking a groom are what I have experienced, I will gladly stick to living in sin anyday.

what we want

Yesterday, while reading a report on what makes a man attractive to a woman and vice versa in America, I began to think about how this would work in India. Do the laws of attraction differ from country to country? Or there are some common trends that are universal with the “Roving Eye”?

I thought the best way to find out would be to ask the men and women around… The exercise turned out to be most interesting and enlightening! I did find some commonalities among both genders such as a decrease in emphasis on looks and more attention on personality once the 2 people involved got talking. But the question still remained… Is the sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander as well? Do both men and women find similar things attractive in each other? Apparently not.

Everyone has his or her own list of priorities about what characteristics the other sex must have to be attractive to them. But statistics reveal ……….

What a man initially looks in women ranged from err… physical attributes, including eyes, hair even her voice. What is interesting is they may genuinely be interested only for a short span (sorry ladies) as their genetic nature (that’s the most genuine and convincing excuse I can come up with) inclines them to look around, unless looking for a stable partner.

On the other hand, women lay more emphasis on how a man dresses and even smells! Aftershave scored high on the attract meter. She may not be very particular about his looks, but prefers someone who is intelligent and well groomed. Even early on, women seek intrinsic qualities like courtesy and honesty.

If a relationship does manage to win the initial hurdle race, some views between genders still repell more than attract. One major differentiating factor turned out to be the discussion on the “girlfriend” and “wife” material. What I found most interesting was that men, in general, associate fun and good times more with girlfriends and stability more with wives (although deeper digging revealed that they wanted both, and their dream girlfriend is Preity Zinta while their dream wife is Rani Mukherjee!). Women, on the other hand, assume marriage to be the natural progession of a relationship and tend to look for similar qualities both before and after marriage.

Post marriage, the most common problems turned out to be that the husband and wife often became lax in their appearances and may lose out a little on the ‘fun’ part on account of stability. In the long term however as one of my male friend put it ‘Girlfriend is like a medicine with an expiry date, but as soon as she becomes my wife, she becomes like wine’.

There were ofcourse, some very fascinating exceptions that I came across. One woman I came across said she felt women stressed heavily on physical fidelity in a relationship, but did develop deep emotional bonds with men other than their partners, possibly without realizing it. The more I think about it, the more it seems true. Many women may not even conscious that they are getting to close to someone other than their partners on an emotional level. They may not consider it straying just because they are not physically intimate with the person.

Another interesting observation a male colleague shared while discussing the subject was that men may be finding it increasingly difficult to understand the modern, independent woman. This idea may have a lot of truth to it. Even The Week discussed the issue in a recent edition.

In the end, you may agree to disagree, but then I wish I could do the same….

Roving Eye

What does 'roving eye' exactly mean?? Is it just innocent looking around or something more than that? Do females have a more frequent 'roving' eye than men do? How has this phenomena evolved and what affects it has on society?

Traditionally, roving eyes (add evil too) have been found in all famous villains of the Hindi movies right from the Black & White era. It added to the evil aura if there was an eye patch and the other open eye would beam maliciously at every female form that passed by. Women were the upright models of morality and rightfully the hero would emerge, saving the damsels in distress from the sinful stare of the villain.

Over the years, roving eye has become a common and a more diluted activity. You find it in the classrooms, colleges and ahem… in some workplaces. And surprisingly, I find an equal number of females demonstrating, along with males, this art of mutual appreciation. The ways have changed too! Shops, streets and stealing glances at public places have given way to malls, cinemas and ofcourse the internet!

But does it always have to be linked with vice? Apparently not, exceptions are there, but for most of them it is a completely innocent and temporary activity. But what makes us do it in the first place? The answer may lie in our genetic build-up and our surroundings. According to a study, it was found that all species, irrespective of the gender follow the rule of superior selection. While we humans have civilized ourselves a long way but some basic characteristics still remain. We are always checking out and comparing the better deal. We may be unknowingly following the same rule by just checking out the variety and many times the competition, to arrive at a conclusion.

Although in the end we may differ in our views and outlook, but one thing I am sure you all will agree on is When you go in search of honey, you must expect to be stung by Bees.