2009

I may have to live with some new experiences in 2009. No, I am not going to (thankfully, cause I think it has already overdone with) talk about the Mumbai attacks (not unless I actually plan to do something), or talk about resolutions or list of places I intend to travel in this year. I am going to write about somethings, that on the face of it looks small, but sinks down and these are the things that come back when you lie down on the bed, in someone’s arms or alone and well… think about them (what else can one do I suppose?)

Y doesn’t like X – We talk about female intuitions, so powerful and sometimes so accurate. What I have realized is we are all humans after a point, our gender doesn’t differentiate us. When it comes to a relationship, if you love someone deep enough, you instantly gauge if something is different. Maybe he feels it? My female intuition says so. Why is it that he always frowns when X messages, or doesn’t like the funny anecdotes or jokes I read out from X’s messages? I think male intuition works as well.

X found out my blog – yes he has, yes he read everything, yes it is my stupidity (I mailed him a post… forgetting the existence of Google) and yes he likes it (well I would too if someone wrote a book on me!). What do I do? Well, it ranges from being embarrassed that well, whatever you think or fabricate (now I shall have to insist on some parts being “fabricated” isn’t it?) is on display to the person you never wanted to show it to (other being Y) to cool nonchalance and actually asking “How you find it? ofcourse it is not you, just a little inspiration you see …” (My pride always rescues me, who says pride goes before a fall?)

Object of my affection – this has been the most weird experience of my life. X called one morning to say he has had the most devastating experience of his life. My genetics command that my thinking process goes from worst to better, now ‘devastating’ can’t be good so my thoughts ranged from what if he lost his job to what if he has been diagnosed with AIDS? (Now that really freaked me out). What I got to know later that his ‘love’ of his life got married and didn’t tell him. I also happen to know that the ‘love’ apparently had a breakup three years back but X being X still pinning for her felt his world has ended. I felt his pain, but I draw a line on being the sounding board or a shoulder to cry on from my object of affection for someone else! I am sorry X, I know you will read it and you won’t like it, but you won’t say it. (But then it is my blog, my thoughts, you discovered it and well…live with it). An aftereffect that he may be missing in all his mess is it has somehow made him more approachable, more demonstrative and I can say more human. I think the whole world revolves around hope. More than money, love, power it is the hope of getting the love, money and power that keeps us kicking and when that goes away, survival kicks in. Maybe same is happening with X, he says hope is gone, so what does one do when hope itself is gone? He reaches out to whatever he can cling to… shreds of comfort, people and maybe past memories until hope comes back (and it does). So while he struggles and clings, I just pray it happens sooner than later. As for me, I wonder, does he love her or the memory of her?

I don’t know how will 2010 be when I ponder on these points… will they be there still? Or will I choose to drift away? I know if I was X or for that matter Y, I would have stored myself in a box, placed it in a remote corner of the heart and would have thrown away the key…

Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again…

Since moving to Mumbai nearly 4 years ago, every year come December, I start feeling gloomy. Most of the year, I am thankful for all that happens in my life (and also all that doesn’t). But as the year ends and people around me start writing on or discussing the year that was, I realize I have not stuck to a single resolution I had made the previous year (sigh!). That makes me quite sad L

For me, the word ‘resolution’ looks more like ‘re – solution’, to realize that you are back at square one at the beginning or rather than at the end of 12 months of thinking … “This year I will really get rid of these things/ men/ junk/ job”. So, its time to make one more solution – re-solution in (futile) hope that the coming year will magically do away with all the things that I want but what may not be good for me.

I am thinking about what Oscar Wilde said in Lady Windermere’s Fan that we are all in gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars (gutter takes a very relevant meaning in Mumbai). A quick round asking for resolutions quickly confirmed that some of us do have resolves to reach the stars (or alternatively, go for vacations), eat less, come on time, try not to murder their in-laws, have babies…. Since the list is pretty long, I thought why not share the top 3 resolutions that everyone aspires to keep (and towards the year end we can always say ‘it is the effort that counts’)

“I will loose weight” – contrary to the articles I read almost daily in lifestyle sections of newspapers accusing models and actresses of anorexia, most of the people around me (including me) complain of excess weight. We spend whatever time we get day dreaming (sometimes even night dreaming) of how nice it would be if we could fit into all the fancy clothing that looks like it would have fitted my 10 years younger clone (and I am not old). If only exercise was a pill!

“I will go to….” – Bora Bora, Singapore, Dubai, USA, London, Turkey or Titwala… we all resolve that in the year ahead, we will strike a balance in our lives. That means going on vacations, visiting friends, spending more time with pets, family, boyfriend, husband, wife (not necessarily in that order), doing the personal bit of CSR (we always get inspired to do when we read about someone making a difference). But how much of it will we actually achieve? Ofcourse, there is always the phrase we fall back on … “I wish my day had 36 hours!”

“I will learn to say NO…” – No is a very powerful word. I learnt it when in my primary classes I always confused it with ‘know’ and that had serious repercussions (serious according to my mom) in my report card with red mark. It can have different connotations. It can be a powerful and emphatic ‘no’ or a soft ‘no’ or a ‘no’ when we actually mean ‘yes’. Frequently it means ‘No’ to extra work coming your way, veggies you are forced to eat, endless follow-ups that never seem to end, to parents, in-laws, nuclear weapons, pollution, acne… without feeling the sense of discomfort we always do!

For those, who are still to make their lists, let me leave some food for thought for the year ahead… When was the last you did something for the first time?