Alcoholic Anonymous

I am so swearing off drinks! Bloody expensive and makes me want to sleep. Dreamt that I am peeing vodka.

1 bottle whisky, 1 bottle vodka and 3bottles beer up for grabs... please call

Dumpsville

I sat with my Harry Potter (yes I too have read the whole series and enjoyed it like my nephew who is one-fourth my age. But that can be another blog altogether, without digressing…) and stared moodily out of the window, over the balcony, at the gulmohar tree. I could see a crow perched up on a branch and stare back at me. It was Saturday afternoon and time was not ticking, it was crawling (rare for someone living in a city like Mumbai). My heart was not in place, I was bored and restless. I knew something was not clicking… something was wrong.

I hate to admit it, but I think I have been pseudo dumped. I use pseudo because I don’t know whether I am or I am not… dumped that is. Mr. X may come back (he usually does) but this time I have decided to toss him out. So it is like confusion on whether I have to dump him or am I already been dumped? Either ways it is not a particularly nice feeling and I chucked my Potter and thought why not pen down a ready reckoner kind of thing… you know… for all uninitiated girls like me who can’t face the fact even when it stares them in their faces that they are going through the experience of Dumpsville…


You suffer from PMS… all the time. Now I know why they coined the term ‘prickly pear’. It is like you want to scream at everyone who asks you “What’s wrong?” that “It is not that there is anything wrong, I have just been having an extended bad mood for the last two months!”

You hope that (here things can differ according to individual taste especially on the food point) – 1. He suffers from loose motions 2. He grows lice 3. He suddenly discovers while chewing food that he has chewed a giant cockroach along with his rice. 4. He suffers.

You can really relate to all sad, soppy songs in the world (ok that’s exaggerating it a bit). Instead of humming 'Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me', you start singing 'Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, dumb me?'

You get messages from all over the world except the number from which you want it to come from.

But most important of all, your ego dents. I mean it is not that it really creates a problem or makes you go into depression, but the feeling is same. When in college, my bucket of pride overflowed, and I approached this handsome guy (who actually looked a little a toad come to think of it now... yikes! my taste in men was really bad then) and when he rejected my offer of a date, cried even more loads of buckets. It is not as if you genuinely get affected, it is just that you can't digest the fact that after sharing intimate moments, anyone can become so uninterested in you. It is more of vanity factor you see... so we do as Moliere said "to find yourself jilted is a blow to your pride. Do your best to forget it and if you don't suceed, atleast pretend to".

So that brings us to the inevitable... what happens next? Do you forgive him (No), do you call him to find out what happened (No), do u give him a second (actually, definitely not his second i think) chance? (No). Then how do you get out of it? Any solutions? Since it is a ready reckoner, ofcourse it will have a solution… for me ... I look at Mr. Y and feel happy to be the kind again who will be counted in loyal dedicated committed lover when they do the sorting in heaven. And it happens sooner than you expect… the colour of his eyes are first thing you forget. Suddenly, one morning you wake up and can't remeber how he sounded, then goes the smell.

You meet next best/ worst thing around the corner and before you know it …baby, you are back in circuit!

Cold War...

He had said once, after we had a fight and I was hurt by his coldness : "Where is your sense of self? You shouldn't be affected, I think you have low self esteem"

Two thoughts going in my mind at exactly that moment were...

1. Yes, sure, the only problem is I am made of flesh, blood and feelings? (I seriously think nowadays, you are made of cement... you know concrete?)
2. Well, baby, proves my low self esteem - I slept with you didn't I?

Etcetera

There is no cure for mood swings. Most of the time they are caused by problems the heart knows and mind doesn’t register. Tried all conventional methods of retail therapy, alcohol (one even suggested sex! – good idea but complicated), good old coffee and conversations, but then realized as someone said (can’t remember the name) you can cure retail but you cannot cure wholesale… so from experience, when u are prickly, behave like one. No pleasure equals calling your boss stupid, fighting with ALL men in your life (X and Y have both kept me busy with that), cry without reason and generally have a day when you can release the witch inside you.
There is also no concept of ‘perfect couple’. It would be great if I could have a mix of X and Y with a dash Johnny Depp, Shiney Ahuja (he’s hot don’t you think?), Gregory Peck (the younger version ofcourse), Kishore Kumar added with wit of Oscar Wilde, Saki. It would help if he cooks and cleans, never raises his voice but still maintains his authority, considers men and women equal. What are the odds of any man fulfilling this criteria? None. What is the equation other way round? Same. So that practically makes everyone perfect for everyone else and brings me back to square one.

I’d rather be a woman any day than a man as 1. I can cry without any reason and he would quip, “You are acting just like a normal woman”. Excuse me? But I am a normal woman. (What is an abnormal one?) 2. I can wear pink as much as I want without any self doubt and most important 3. Women and children are the first to be rescued off accidents, sinking ships, burning trains and bankruptcy (I usually do that … make sad puppy faces and crib about living below poverty line for last week of each month). Shallow but effective.

Home not where your parents live, home is where your heart is. Exactly two months back my parents informed me that they are moving to Indore from Bhopal. Bhopal is home. It is where I will come back in the end. Although visit to Indore was still the same technically, house , parents there and same nagging on “Shaadi kab karogi”, it just didn’t click. Eventually I realized, it not just people, it is more the memories you associate with people that makes a person or a place fond for you. Bhopal is my memory bank of 21 years; where else would I feel at home?

Merci Beaucoup

Sitting in the darkness (no electricity for 2 hours due to some fault) and staring at the ceiling, I felt I need to thank these people/factors in my life:

1. GOD: Thank you god for making me a female. That means I have to go through chums every month and not to forget the pain with it. I think it would really be making people around me happy to see me (and suffer with me) the hundred mood swings in a day during PMS and be a human personification of a cactus in general. If this pain is what they say is magnified during child birth, I think I have a newfound respect and awe for mothers… past, future and present.

2. Mr. X: What would I do without you? Actually I am finding that out since you are in one of your 2400 moods in a 24 hour day (for the uninitiated in mathematics that makes around 100 moods in a hour, more than a mood in a minute, and I am NOT talking about Moods- the condom) when you want to hibernate. Since your chief interests lies somewhere between sleeping with me and sleeping with me, it makes you so irresistible na?

3. Mr. Y: I love you. I really do. We have been through the thick and thin. It is because of you and your love that I have grown to like psychotic, ego maniacs. It really makes me happy to be your unintentional doormat and really makes me guilty that I blow off your money whenever I can lay my hands on it (I know I don’t get too many opportunities for it as I would like to have… you are being careful). If living with you is such a pleasurable experience, I can’t wait to get married! (Don’t worry darling, I will never leave you for X, ever.)

4. Parents: I am really thankful to you. Not sarcastic, really am. I know I really made you both go through hell (but you have to agree it was vice versa), but no one puts up with me like you both do. And I will never say this on your face dad, but I really love you, even when you are being a totally stuck up 60 year old.

5. PAN Dept: Lastly, my utmost gratitude goes to the PAN Dept. Since loosing my PAN Card last year (that also reminds me to thank the thief who stole my wallet at Malad station – my visit for the first and last time in Malad) I have lost count of the endless mails I have written to them and forms I have filled and sent for a duplicate one, it has resulted in vast improvement of my writing skills. I also want to thank them for being so prompt to let me know after 8 months of application that they have received my application but in addition to my proof of identity (a copy of my passport) they have not received my proof of address (copy of a passport- what a coincidence!). So I may have to reapply again. Thank You!

Taxi

It was raining heavily. I could see the driver wiping the foggy windscreen of the taxi frequently… his wiper was not working. Inspite of the dirt and filth lying around in Mumbai, rains always manage to give the city a clean look. It looks as if the city is taking a bath after a long and dusty playtime outside. Contrary to the soothing feeling I get by the sound of falling raindrops, today it hardly made a difference. My heart felt as if it was going to jump out of my chest.

He called me yesterday night, asking me to receive him at the station. It was the first time he had gone ahead of his deliberate casual attitude towards everything… towards me. I would be lying if I say it didn’t please me. I looked at the rearview mirror and did a mental check – Kajal, check. Lipstick, check. A little of cleavage was showing… I didn’t care. I was wearing blue and smiled when I realized it was his favourite colour (God! I was acting like a funny teenager). I was sure he wouldn’t even notice it. A loud screech of brakes and sound of the taxi splashing through a huge puddle jerked me out of my reverie.

He had met me a year before… can’t even remember what attracted me towards him in the first place. Doesn’t have the looks or the disposition. He says he doesn’t love me, neither do I. But I did miss him a lot when he was away. Should I tell this to him or not? The rain had stopped and I jumped over the pools of muddy water that had formed everywhere to reach the platform and do what I could … wait.

I spotted him struggling with his 2 bags and walking towards me; we searched for a taxi and just bundled up…luggage and all in the back seat towards his home. Sometimes I think if he never lived alone, we would definitely not be meeting like this. Not a time for self reflection I thought and turned towards him. The first thing I noticed was he had mosquito bites on his neck

“Well, I thought there were fewer mosquitoes at home than here in Mumbai?”
“Well, since you were not there to leave any marks, the mosquitoes did”
“Very funny!”
“Do you want me stay?” I asked
“Upto you. It is always your choice”
“Ok”

I decided not to. Stay that is. Even when he kissed me and asked me to stay.
“Station chalo”, I told the cabbie to catch the nearest local to my home.

If it was just a passing thing, why did it hurt so much to hear those words? Was I going back on my own resolve? That I wouldn’t take this seriously, I wouldn’t take him seriously. Where does that leave me? Was I being true to myself? Is the emotion I see flickering in his eyes for it vanishes just as quickly – love? If not then what? Why are we still together? It was not suppose to last for more than a month and yet here we are, not able to break away. I am going insane? Too many questions and no answers I thought as I left one train of thought to catch a real one.

Phone Call

Mummy called 7 am in the morning -

"We are thinking ... how about you getting married in November?"
"Hmmm"

I don't need a vodka shot (gulp)
I need a whole bloody vodka swimming pool.

Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again…

Since moving to Mumbai nearly 4 years ago, every year come December, I start feeling gloomy. Most of the year, I am thankful for all that happens in my life (and also all that doesn’t). But as the year ends and people around me start writing on or discussing the year that was, I realize I have not stuck to a single resolution I had made the previous year (sigh!). That makes me quite sad L

For me, the word ‘resolution’ looks more like ‘re – solution’, to realize that you are back at square one at the beginning or rather than at the end of 12 months of thinking … “This year I will really get rid of these things/ men/ junk/ job”. So, its time to make one more solution – re-solution in (futile) hope that the coming year will magically do away with all the things that I want but what may not be good for me.

I am thinking about what Oscar Wilde said in Lady Windermere’s Fan that we are all in gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars (gutter takes a very relevant meaning in Mumbai). A quick round asking for resolutions quickly confirmed that some of us do have resolves to reach the stars (or alternatively, go for vacations), eat less, come on time, try not to murder their in-laws, have babies…. Since the list is pretty long, I thought why not share the top 3 resolutions that everyone aspires to keep (and towards the year end we can always say ‘it is the effort that counts’)

“I will loose weight” – contrary to the articles I read almost daily in lifestyle sections of newspapers accusing models and actresses of anorexia, most of the people around me (including me) complain of excess weight. We spend whatever time we get day dreaming (sometimes even night dreaming) of how nice it would be if we could fit into all the fancy clothing that looks like it would have fitted my 10 years younger clone (and I am not old). If only exercise was a pill!

“I will go to….” – Bora Bora, Singapore, Dubai, USA, London, Turkey or Titwala… we all resolve that in the year ahead, we will strike a balance in our lives. That means going on vacations, visiting friends, spending more time with pets, family, boyfriend, husband, wife (not necessarily in that order), doing the personal bit of CSR (we always get inspired to do when we read about someone making a difference). But how much of it will we actually achieve? Ofcourse, there is always the phrase we fall back on … “I wish my day had 36 hours!”

“I will learn to say NO…” – No is a very powerful word. I learnt it when in my primary classes I always confused it with ‘know’ and that had serious repercussions (serious according to my mom) in my report card with red mark. It can have different connotations. It can be a powerful and emphatic ‘no’ or a soft ‘no’ or a ‘no’ when we actually mean ‘yes’. Frequently it means ‘No’ to extra work coming your way, veggies you are forced to eat, endless follow-ups that never seem to end, to parents, in-laws, nuclear weapons, pollution, acne… without feeling the sense of discomfort we always do!

For those, who are still to make their lists, let me leave some food for thought for the year ahead… When was the last you did something for the first time?

Men's Top 5

“You always write something negative about men!”
“Well, as they say, I am free of all prejudice, I hate everyone equally,” came the cheeky reply.
“Do you, really?”
“Hmmm… I don’t know. Actually, no, but finding something really nice to write about them is difficult. I will try. I am not a feminist but then I am not conventional either, so that leaves me plenty of grey area to exercise on.”
“Come on! You are not being fair. There is plenty to admire them for.”
“The world is never fair and you are a man, so naturally, you will defend your case.”
“Tell me... you will prove it yourself… just tell me five things you like or admire in men”
“That’s too much to ask! Five things! Here I am struggling to think even one. But, yes let me think. It will be fun!”
“So?”
“Hmmm… Ok here it is (although with the disclaimer that even if what I write is true, no man will ever admit it, except for exceptions but that will make them exceptions to my theory as well). The 5 things I admire in men that I may never be able to do.”

1. Vanity Fair

Isn’t it amazing that when men pursue women, their bosses, their friends coming from abroad… they go all out? No woman will even think of spending a fortune on a man taking him to all the expensive wining dining experience and showering him with gifts (even though this is a highly temporary phenomena), just to make herself look good in his eyes. Na, she is too practical (and wise) for that.

2. Moral Obligations

All men have good intentions. Especially, if it is towards the woman they love and want to marry (not necessarily in that order). They know what is good for them and for her. There goodwill will spill over to all areas in her life… friends, relatives, what to wear (even more important, what not to wear), books, career, friends, relatives… oh I just realized that I am repeating myself… it can get very boring. Now you can’t accuse them of forgetting to ask what you think is good for yourself right? Afterall, that’s something a benevolent dictator will never do.

3. How flexible and easy to change they are

Now ladies, before you start shouting in protests, let me explain things a little. You see, there is a very big clause attached to it. The condition should be suitable and that includes unlimited supple of … err… alcohol. Your shrek will turn into a prince charming and will hang on to your words and even shower you with love and attention post the chemical reactions taking place with just barley water (aka beer). Maybe, Matt Groening knew what he was saying when he wrote, “To alcohol! The cause of, and the solution to, all problems of life”.

4. Respect your parents always

Sigh! His mom always did everything better. I wish I had the same devotion. Really!!


5. Optimum utilization

When you have to study how to use a resource optimally, there is no better example than the way men use their memory. We sometimes crib of their ‘selective amnesia’ but tell me which woman, if she wanted to, can forget dates (especially if it’s a birthday, an anniversary, the day you have to meet the parents, grocery shopping, well… it can go on and on). It’s absolutely fascinating to see how men can pull this off so well without any side effects (lets say … guilt?). It will take me years to master this and I can still not guarantee success.

“So what do you think?”
“ACs and women, never have been able to understand them!”

Somethings to hate

I hate it when you shout at me, for all the small small things
I hate it, in my eyes, the tears you bring
I hate when you at times you just want to play alone, in your own dreamland alone
I hate it when you don’t want to talk and ask what’s been happening with me, even though when we are in the same house
I hate it when I know that I am equally at fault
I hate it when I realize that, in practice, I have forgotten all about men that my ma taught, or may be I don’t want to practice after all
But what I hate the most is all these years I loved you still
I hate it that in somewhere inside me I always will.

I Do or Do I?

Wanted: Male, age no bar, but prefer someone who still has hair left on the head, good looking but not vain, no attitude and definitely no chauvinistic tendencies, believes in equalities but chivalrous too, well read and fun loving, not short, well read and a good cook.

Well… this was the list I came up with when my mother asked me what kind of a husband I would want. I agree I am not Aishwarya Rai… quite the opposite infact, but since I was given a choice to say what I wanted in a prospective groom, I made the best possible use of the opportunity.

My mother frowned deeply and expressed her disapproval deeply at the lack of inquiry of whether the groom should be “well settled”, “fair and handsome”, “decent” and most important a “Hindu”. I guess she knew exactly what I was trying to do… discouraging her from broaching the topic of marriage.

When you are an Indian woman and you turn 24, everything around you changes. It starts with your mum meeting your aunties over a casual cup of tea and they innocently enquire “Aap ki beti Mumbai mein hain na? Aur achchi naukri bhi karti hain. Hamaari nazar mein ek ladka hain….”

Next thing you know your mum and dad decide to take out your janam patri (horoscope) from somewhere down below the old trunk and start pondering over it that the daughter has attained the right age … err… “jawan ho gayi hain” and it’s the right time to start searching for a prospective groom.

I screamed in horror when these thoughts were conveyed in a sugar coated voice from my mom and an authoritarian voice from my dad (atleast he was trying his best to sound strict, he knows by now that I have followed his gene pool and hence, will do exactly what I please). But that set me thinking… if they are so adamant on it why not meet a couple of guys and find out? It can’t be that bad and it will keep my folks satisfied.

I met four men in the span of one month and the experiences can themselves be one long story. One of the men seemed more comfortable talking to me on the net than face to face… something related to being used to software professional (!). The other thought why I was telling him that I like reading Saki, when it is a Japanese wine. The third was as boring as it gets (and I guess it was mutual). Infront of the fourth one, well… I farted…

To sum it up if adventures of seeking a groom are what I have experienced, I will gladly stick to living in sin anyday.

what we want

Yesterday, while reading a report on what makes a man attractive to a woman and vice versa in America, I began to think about how this would work in India. Do the laws of attraction differ from country to country? Or there are some common trends that are universal with the “Roving Eye”?

I thought the best way to find out would be to ask the men and women around… The exercise turned out to be most interesting and enlightening! I did find some commonalities among both genders such as a decrease in emphasis on looks and more attention on personality once the 2 people involved got talking. But the question still remained… Is the sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander as well? Do both men and women find similar things attractive in each other? Apparently not.

Everyone has his or her own list of priorities about what characteristics the other sex must have to be attractive to them. But statistics reveal ……….

What a man initially looks in women ranged from err… physical attributes, including eyes, hair even her voice. What is interesting is they may genuinely be interested only for a short span (sorry ladies) as their genetic nature (that’s the most genuine and convincing excuse I can come up with) inclines them to look around, unless looking for a stable partner.

On the other hand, women lay more emphasis on how a man dresses and even smells! Aftershave scored high on the attract meter. She may not be very particular about his looks, but prefers someone who is intelligent and well groomed. Even early on, women seek intrinsic qualities like courtesy and honesty.

If a relationship does manage to win the initial hurdle race, some views between genders still repell more than attract. One major differentiating factor turned out to be the discussion on the “girlfriend” and “wife” material. What I found most interesting was that men, in general, associate fun and good times more with girlfriends and stability more with wives (although deeper digging revealed that they wanted both, and their dream girlfriend is Preity Zinta while their dream wife is Rani Mukherjee!). Women, on the other hand, assume marriage to be the natural progession of a relationship and tend to look for similar qualities both before and after marriage.

Post marriage, the most common problems turned out to be that the husband and wife often became lax in their appearances and may lose out a little on the ‘fun’ part on account of stability. In the long term however as one of my male friend put it ‘Girlfriend is like a medicine with an expiry date, but as soon as she becomes my wife, she becomes like wine’.

There were ofcourse, some very fascinating exceptions that I came across. One woman I came across said she felt women stressed heavily on physical fidelity in a relationship, but did develop deep emotional bonds with men other than their partners, possibly without realizing it. The more I think about it, the more it seems true. Many women may not even conscious that they are getting to close to someone other than their partners on an emotional level. They may not consider it straying just because they are not physically intimate with the person.

Another interesting observation a male colleague shared while discussing the subject was that men may be finding it increasingly difficult to understand the modern, independent woman. This idea may have a lot of truth to it. Even The Week discussed the issue in a recent edition.

In the end, you may agree to disagree, but then I wish I could do the same….

Roving Eye

What does 'roving eye' exactly mean?? Is it just innocent looking around or something more than that? Do females have a more frequent 'roving' eye than men do? How has this phenomena evolved and what affects it has on society?

Traditionally, roving eyes (add evil too) have been found in all famous villains of the Hindi movies right from the Black & White era. It added to the evil aura if there was an eye patch and the other open eye would beam maliciously at every female form that passed by. Women were the upright models of morality and rightfully the hero would emerge, saving the damsels in distress from the sinful stare of the villain.

Over the years, roving eye has become a common and a more diluted activity. You find it in the classrooms, colleges and ahem… in some workplaces. And surprisingly, I find an equal number of females demonstrating, along with males, this art of mutual appreciation. The ways have changed too! Shops, streets and stealing glances at public places have given way to malls, cinemas and ofcourse the internet!

But does it always have to be linked with vice? Apparently not, exceptions are there, but for most of them it is a completely innocent and temporary activity. But what makes us do it in the first place? The answer may lie in our genetic build-up and our surroundings. According to a study, it was found that all species, irrespective of the gender follow the rule of superior selection. While we humans have civilized ourselves a long way but some basic characteristics still remain. We are always checking out and comparing the better deal. We may be unknowingly following the same rule by just checking out the variety and many times the competition, to arrive at a conclusion.

Although in the end we may differ in our views and outlook, but one thing I am sure you all will agree on is When you go in search of honey, you must expect to be stung by Bees.